the eyes of a child

I feel terrible.

On Saturday I was at my sister's house for the day and was telling her how the world is going to end on Wednesday. Whether or not it actually will is another story.

There's a scientific experiment being conducted in Switzerland where a massive particle accelerator has been built with the aim of creating cosmic rays and studying conditions from the Big Bang. I don't think this is a particularly bright idea considering that it wasn't called the Big Bang for nothing. There have been a lot of comments made in the scientific communtiy about the lack of wisdom in doing this sort of experiment right here where we live, and all the terrible things that could happen if it is not done right, like black holes, cosmic rays, thermonuclear blasts - to name just a few.

So anyways there I am telling this to my sister and then I realize that my nephew, Parker, has come into the room, and the look on his face told me he had heard everything. I thought I was going to be sick on the spot from the immediate guilt, that a small boy only 10 years old has just heard me saying this out loud and with such conviction that he would believe it. I was just saying to a co-worker that it was almost as bad as if I had hit him, which is something I have never done and never would.

I can't shake that guilt now. I've been feeling terrible since that moment, and all I can see is his face, on the edge of tears. I can't do anything about it now, but I can't concentrate, I can't sleep right, and I have work I should be doing right now, but I had to get it out there and out of me.

Hopefully on Thursday I can look back on this and laugh.

That is all.