Vacation - Day 7

Despite the events of yesterday I managed a full night's sleep. I woke up actually feeling awake, I had breakfast, I took my time, and then I went out. I took a walk down Queen Street West, then did some essentials shopping at the Dufferin Mall's No Frills (and I defy you to tell me that 99 cents for a litre of chocolate milk is not an essential), watched a couple episodes of Sex in the City, copped a nap in my favourite chair, and then went to the Scotiabank Theatre to see the latest zombie horror film, Diary of the Dead.

The review:

How is it that we can have such inspired creative zombie productions in the form of 28 Days Later and the reimagined Dawn of the Dead, but when George A. Romero steps in - the man who MADE zombie films happen in the first place - we get crap. CRAP. By now the world has ended about 15 times over in all these zombie films, the only two in any kind of continuity being the 28 franchises, so again we meet a mixed bag of protaganists (all film students but all very different from each other, plus their alcoholic teacher) who hear about what's going on over the radio, they don't believe it until they see it, and one by one they fall victim to the growing army of the dead. But as we are dealing with film students, of course this has to be presented a la Blair Witch cum Cloverfield with everything being shot by the leads on hand held cameras. And it's not very scary. There are a few moments of palpable tension when there's something lurking in the dark and you know it's going to leap out at you and make you spill your drink, but that's all the fear you feel: losing your overpriced refreshments is more of a fear factor than what happens to the characters on the screen. Because we don't care about them. There's nothing to care about. They're all sniping at each other because they're scared, and then there's the one guy who keeps recording everything with not even real devotion; he's just doing it. Oh, and then magically at a hospital they find another video camera so now we can have two angles. That's handy. And the people who all sat there telling him how stupid he was for shooting it all find themselves using the other camera. I just wanted it to end. One hour and thirty seven minutes, the listing said. And to think I almost dragged Jamie to see it but he couldn't make it - you dodged a bullet there, mate! Whatever happened to really scaring the audience so witless that they went home and put the wardrobe against the door and sat up all night jumping at every little creak they heard?

So here I am home for the night. It's bloody cold out there today; I triple layered for the day's journey when I first went out and I got the full meaning of the term "invasive cold". As soon as I stepped out the door I could feel it working its way through the seams in my clothes - starting with the zipper in my pants, of all things - and then along the tongue of my boots by the time I reached the subway. Nature of course loves a good old joke so while my legs were going numb under two paltry layers consisting of long underwear and my cargo pants, I was sweating like mad from the neck down.

I made another observation tonight when I was coming home. It's more a realization of a conversation I had with my father. The city is no place for old people. Everywhere I go there's this mad rush of people trying to get here, trying to get there, running for a train or a streetcar or for a date or a movie, and there are always older people trying to get through the same mad rush being trampled underfoot. Now it's not all terrible out there, I do see people hold doors for the elderly (I do that) or help them across the street (I used to do that until one perverted old creep went for my balls) or give up their seat on the TTC (I'll do that if I am awake), but the pace of city life is just getting a lot faster. I've already decided the course of my next 30 years of my life if I stay living in Toronto: in 6 to 8 years get a condo or loft or something, stick with Canada Post until I retire, then sell up and get out of the city. It will of course be interesting to see where else there is to live in 30 years; a news article today says that soon 50% of the country's population will live in cities owing to factors of logistics and what not, but also I am sure because the cities are swallowing up all the surrounding land. When I was looking at the city last night on the bus ride home I looked at the buildings I knew were office towers and others that were residential towers, and then I tried to think of all the people in them. And then I thought about the Dalek city in Doctor Who back in 1963, but my mind works that way. All those people. All those Daleks.

Daleks never had to worry about zombie films.

That is all.

Vacation - Day 6

Today was pretty much the anti-vacation day. It was stressful, it was emotional, it was just plain tiring.

I started by going with Miriam to a morning appointment. Why not. And while I was there I checked out a hot piece of work and lo if he did not look right back at me. "Woooo you got checked out!" Miriam squealed with glee. Minutes later as we were sitting having coffee, some bloke checked her out not once but twice. It was looking to be a promising day.

I went north to help my sister and her boys move into their new place afterwards. Things have not gone well for them, and I believe they were at rock bottom last week, so today was a step up. We did not get all their things moved into their new place as this is to be a temporary stop on their road to recovery; there's enough in there to be liveable and they have enough food to eat. But the sheer emotional toll wiped me right out; when I came home on the bus tonight I was just drained, staring out the window and not even thinking. Well, until the bus came into downtown Toronto and I saw all the hydro being wasted lighting buildings that nobody was inside. Way to blow that tax relief, office towers.

And then as I was coming home I coughed and tasted blood. It's been a very cold day out there and I realized my lungs were hurting earlier; I must have over exterted in the cold air while moving my sister's things and gotten frostbite inside. Great. So now I have to take it really easy. If I still hurt in the morning I'm going to the hospital - this shit isn't to be messed with.

So I will be going to bed soon. I'll start the downloading of tonight's episode of Torchwood and then just crash. I'm out of energy.

That is all.

Vacation - Day 5

My little sick nephew stayed an extra night last night. I was happy to have him with me, I just wish he had been feeling better. He's such an animated little boy, always doing something or thinking about something, or asking questions, and to see him just slouching around feeling sick was killing me. To think he's still not feeling good now still upsets me - and now his little brother is sick too - but he's back with his mother who can provide that extra bit of comfort that I can't. It's not like it was a very exciting day for him yesterday; the decision for him to stay an extra day was actually suggested to my sister by my father, and I agreed, but there were no big plans for the day: he got to accompany me to the laundromat, then a trip down to the Bay at Yonge and Bloor to get him some new pajamas as he had none here. We joined Miriam for dinner at her place and watched a lot of cooking shows together, then once back home after his bath (with a Lush bath bomb) we watched the season finale of Doctor Who together, and then the season premiere of Torchwood to follow the ongoing adventures of Captain Jack Harkness. It was a little tricky explaining Jack's pansexuality to an almost-10 year old but I managed, I think. The topic of by own homosexuality has not been touched yet with my nephews, but I am going to take this one's positive reaction to Jack as a sign that it won't be an issue.

Once the wee lad went home today, I was joined by Jay for more Doctor Who (see the other blog) and now I await Miriam once more for, again, dinner and more Torchwood.

Tomorrow will be Wednesday and I'll be halfway through my first week of vacation. I have to get some more things done, I have to get out of the house a bit. All I went out for today was to get milk. Tomorrow I think I am helping my sister move. That's a long story really and it's full of family nonsense that I am really not comfortable putting into a blog. Here's where the written diary worked better for me; privacy was never an issue. Maybe one day I'll blow off some steam about it, but for now I will say that things are not as good as they could be but we are working at making them better.

That is all.

Vacation - Day 4

Yesterday my sister and the boys joined me for the afternoon. We did a little trip round the Eaton Centre to get them some bath bombs from Lush (they love those things) and then we went to see The Spiderwick Chronicles. It was a fun film, not entirely for kids mind you because it is violent in spots and frightening to a degree, but it maintains a fantasy element that makes all that less of an impact on a young mind. Later after the show, though, my oldest nephew felt sick and stayed the night at my place, not feeling up to a car ride home. So I have been looking after him all night. I'm happy to say that his fever is down and he is feeling better, if a bit sleepy. He'll see the doctor today; I just need to get him to eat something.

Ahead for today I will be doing some catching up with Miriam, which means going to the laundromat and watching some Torchwood. I think we might be almost 4 episodes behind in our viewing together. I've kept up with it, of course, but I'll watch them again.

I must make the most of this week ahead of me. I have never been one to waste time sleeping in anyways but I know all too well how days can just fly by and then *poom* I'd be back to work without having achieved a thing. I'm not going to have that happen. Dedicating today to laundry and domestic is a valid choice, seeing as I get to see my friend who has been away for a week. The rest of the week social opportunities are somewhat limited as everyone works, but there's the whole "going out after work" idea, so I have plans with Jamie and with Jay as well... and Raffaella.... and Warren... it's all good :)

That is all.

Vacation - Day 3

Yesterday went according to plan, right to the minute pretty much. All good.

After Jay and I had finished watching Doctor Who I had some time to get the rest of the dinner details sorted and await my guests Mark and Mark, who had spent the day out shopping like all good gay visitors to Toronto. And during that time I received a delightful phone call from my friend, the internationally famous Ms Miriam who is languishing in Bermuda for work. Yes, we all feel so sorry for her.

The cooking began and so did the wine drinking. One Mark and I exterminated a 1.5 litre bottle of white between us over dinner, which was lemon chicken with rice and mushrooms. I am always happy to make this dish, it's not that complicated and it requires just enough detail to be impressive. If it's done right the lemon gives it just enough pucker power, and last night I do believe it was another success. The chicken breasts I used, though, were huge, and it was an effort to finish them, but we managed. And then wierd of wierd things, we watched clips from the new Doctor Who series and got both of them interested enough to want to see more. One Mark is right now borrowing my Torchwood box set. And then a pint glass broke in the sink; it's still there right now so I suppose I should look into cleaning that up soon.

Out we went back into the Toronto gay bars but not for very long; just over to Woodys and Buddies in Bad Times. Buddies was PACKED with dancing young gay men, a sight I had not seen for quite some time. Made me feel kinda old in there though. I also feel a little self conscious because I have put on some weight in the last 2 years and when surrounded by young slim toned beautiful creatures... yeah, it can be a bit humbling. Still, there's my fix of gay bars out of the way for a while, I can get on with other things. Mark and Mark and I parted ways in time for me to snare the last subway home again.

Now it's once more only 4 hours since I got in and I am awake. I don't know why. I really should get some rest because I have a full day coming up soon with my sister and her boys coming to see me for the day. I told them to come for breakfast and I still have that smashed glass in my sink that needs tidying up, then I have dishes to do. Okay, so rest is not an option just now. I should get onto that mission pronto. Then maybe after I can get a nap. Our agenda for the day is really just to do family things; eat together, play, see a movie, all the stuff that little kids enjoy doing. And of course what trip to Toronto is complete for 2 adventurous little boys without a ride on the subway?

I'll get started now. First order of business is a cuppa tea.

That is all.

Vacation - Day 2

Well that was a fun night.

I met my friends Mark and Mark (yes I know that looks silly) at their hotel downtown and we made a bit of a pubcrawl of it; Woodys, Black Eagle, and Zippers (the latter there known to use as "The Fringe"). What's to say about gay bars in Toronto that hasn't already been said? Older dudes fancying their chances with younger dudes who have run out of guys their own age to sleep with and are actually interested in more mature guys but not until they've been wined and wined and wined and dined. Yes, booze is a wonderful equalizer.

So we sat and watched the goings on, including a girl at the table next to us at Woodys being shown out because she was a mess, some twinky kid who put his makeup on with a hammer, and an old dude who leered at us once too often making me want to throw the decorative votive on our table at him. Speaking of tables, Woodys has removed their pool table and replaced it with some seating; enough to make a good old fashioned western bar fight a possibility now. Not that we should be so lucky to see anyone get a chair smashed over their back there, but a boy can dream. And just as we got out a couple of drag queens with what I could only assume to be centrepieces from a wedding they went to last year on their heads showed up. Yes, it was time to make an exit.

Black Eagle never fails to disappoint. If you ever think you don't feel dirty enough, just go in there and get leered at by the receiving line on the first floor on your way upstairs to where some scary guy in a faux police officer uniform will dance about and strip. And it's only once he's naked that anyone will actually applaud. We got out of there pretty quick but not before critiquing the artwork on the walls ("He looks... inconvenienced...") and confirming that the barback running around was actually one of the security guards from the 2003 remake of Dawn of the Dead. Bart I think the name was.

Zippers. What a dump.

So it's Saturday morning now. Blogger seems to attach California time to all the posts so add 3 hours to what it says at the bottom; I've already been out to the St Lawrence Market this morning to get everything I need for tonight when Mark and Mark come for dinner. There's something kind of urban-romantic about the single scene in Toronto; going out early for the fresh produce and being home putting it away before some people are even out of bed. I've even got laundry happening downstairs; just a few things to get me through until I feel up to dragging the whole hamper down the street to the bigass laundromat. Yes, I'm domestic. I cook. I clean. The whole deal.

Later this afternoon, Jay is coming by for some Doctor Who viewing so you can pop over to http://www.seansdoctorwhomission.blogspot.com to see our thoughts on today's episode. Then it's dinner. Then back out with Mark and Mark.

I love being on vacation.

That is all.

Vacation - Day 1

So this is the start of my 2 week break from Canada Post Corporation. It came up on me pretty suddenly; I was planning on taking my time off in April and visiting Brian in Kamloops but the corporation has other ideas. So, whatever. This is me on a break, and I'm going to enjoy it. I shall probably blog every day for fun. I have made no schedule but I do have a few things I should do:

1) swap out ceiling fan in bedroom
2) put bedroom ceiling fan in soon-to-be dining room/library
3) paint dining room/library

Those are the biggies. I'll also see some movies. Or something.

Today ran over time again; it seems that just as I am trying to get myself out of there I either want to stop and talk to someone or something comes along that I need to take care of. But I'm free now. FREE. I'm still not in that headspace, though. I still don't realize what this means; it means I do not have to be there. I can do whatever I like. Hm. Still no bolt of lightning. I'm waiting.

My friend Mark is coming to town this weekend, and that's always a good time. It's a good way to start things off. I've also had an email from my friend Debbie on her travels around the world, and that was nice to see. I've thrown her back a line or two, I hope it's entertaining for her.

And on a hormonal note, I finally got to see what that dude who sings for One Republic looks like. What's his name? Something Tedder? Who cares - he's sweet. What a voice.

So if I am to put on my glad rags and go party tonight I suppose another nap might be a good thing to recharge. Agree? Yes. Okay. So whatever happens next, read about it tomorrow.

That is all.

Family Day

Tomorrow is a day off for a good percentage of Ontario's working class.... unless they are part of a Union with the holidays written into contracts. Or if they work retail. Or if their employer already gives them 9 stat holidays a year. Then it's iffy.

Myself, I have to work. I'll be going down to the post office tonight at 11.30 PM or something like that for a shift commencing at 12 midnight, and like any other night I will work away until 7 AM, then for the last hour of my night I'll go up to the remote locations at the bank towers and see what's going on there. Then I'll come home on what I expect to be a lighter than usual TTC subway ride.

My biggest challenge tomorrow is not going to be what to do with the day off, but how to keep it business as usual for me and get enough sleep to last through the Tuesday shift. Here's hoping the noisy bastards in this building keep it down tomorrow by day; around 4 AM and again at 5 AM this morning I was awakened by loud voices out in the hallway. I have a pretty good idea where they came from, too; there used to be a very selfish thoughtless young man living upstairs from me who would have friends over at all hours stamping on the floor or playing loud music or shouting off the balcony, but he now lives at the end of my hallway which means I don't hear his noises, but I hear the noise of his guests as they come and go. This is not always an issue for me as I am at work most of those times, or I'm so tired I am sleeping through it, but the people next door to him have a baby - I can imagine how many times he's managed to wake the kid up with his goings on. Dude is, in short, an asshole.

But I am not going to let anything bother me this week. I'm just not. And why? Because I am on vacation from the 22nd of February to the 10th of March. I'm not actually going anywhere, though; I wanted to get time in April to go to see my friend Brian in Kamloops, and I still might, but this 2 weeks is being pushed on me so I do not carry any vacation over into the next fiscal year. I don't have the money to go away, so I am going to do things around the city like see movies and finally paint my dining room. And my friend Mark is coming to Toronto this Friday as well. So it's all good. Nothing is going to get in my way this week; I shall enjoy each day as I hear the clock ticking closer to Friday at 8 AM when I will be free. For 2 weeks anyways...

Back to Blogland

I used to have a personal blog for a while, but I got rid of it after feeling I was spending too much time editing my thoughts out of the need to be discreet, or to protect the identities of the innocent/guilty. At the time I was also keeping a written diary but somewhere between the two I was negelecting the truth, or at least the fine details of the truth. Every attempt I made since the deletion of my old Peppersteak for the Soul blog to keep a written diary just failed, so I'm back to the blog concept in the hopes that I'll be more consistent with it, and hopefully a bit more aware of what I am putting down here.

So I shall start fresh, and call this "day one".

I've got a cold. Not a real killer of a cold; I have a bit of a tight throat, a runny nose, and my ears feel like they have water in them. But that's all so far. Yesterday to combat this I took a NyQuil shooter and collapsed on the bed for the day, coming in and out of sleep like some crackhead trying to shake off last night's party. I remember one time in the past when I took NyQuil and passed out for hours, and when I woke up I was still so stoned from it I had to crawl around on my bed looking for a way down. I'm not sure if NyQuil is the way to go today, though; I have to work tonight (I work midnights for Canada Post in Toronto) and I'm not sure I could shake off the effects in time to be okay for work. Granted I am a supervisor and everyone just assumes I don't do anything, but it's always a good idea to keep ones head clear when dealing with the goings on of what I have started referring to as "crybaby central". Honestly... unions. The bane of the workplace. Whatever happened to just getting the work done? But I digress.

To aid my comfort level today I watched a DVD of a movie called Trick. Heard of it? It was made in 1999, stars Christian Campbell as Gabriel and JP Pitoc as Mark; two hot gay dudes in New York City who hook up and spend a night trying to find some alone time to do the nasty. Somewhere in there they fall in love though. I remember when I saw this at the Carlton Cineplex all those years ago and I still felt all optimistic and cheery about boys falling in love with boys and such. I was 28 back then; I'm almost 37 now and I sometimes fear that the spark of hope I used to have about having a relationship with another man has been snuffed out by players, ex-boyfriends and the general coldness of the gay community at large who are just looking for the Next One. Granted I am not exempt from the promiscuous masses; to date I have had sex with approximately 170 men - some of it not as safe as it could have been. In that time I have contracted 2 STDs, both curable and long in my past. I really don't think my story is any different from any other sexually active gay man in Toronto, or anywhere else in the world. Still, I can only speak of my own experiences and at times when I'm lonely I feel like I am the only single gay guy out there. The reality is there are a lot of single gay guys out there, the vast majority of us still not sure what we want. I have come close to getting what I want, but for one reason or another it's not quite there for me. Do I want a boyfriend who I date and sometimes we sleep over, something that will be exclusive but not feel like ownership? Do I want a full time partner for the rest of my life, and thereby never have to meet anyone else new again, ever? Or am I better off as the perpetually single, slightly lonely kinda guy everyone wants to see with someone, but for whom there's no perfect solution?

I have a friend we will call X for our purposes here. I met X several years ago and in that time our paths have crossed on occasion, starting with a date to the movies and moving up to getting naked and nasty with each other via MSN "booty calls" late at night (usually Saturdays). So I was chatting with X the other day and was playing around, suggesting maybe we ought to hook up, and he replied with "The bf wouldn't like that,". Now this is not the first time X has been with someone since I have known him, and the pattern has held that he's with someone for a while, then he's not, so we hook up a few times, there's a silence of a few weeks and then boom he's with someone else. I think I gave up on actually aspiring to any kind of relationship outside of this little cycle where X is concerned a long time ago, but I always took comfort in the fact that he'd be back one day and I'd at least get to tear up the sheets with him some more. This last time, though, has bothered me a bit more since I thought we might have actually been getting somewhere, somewhere new. X has a friend who told me he'd like to see us together because he doesn't want X to be alone and thinks I'd be good for him. Friend said he was going to push X towards me when he spoke with him next, and now... this. I'm a bit curious as to what might have been said, although I am dreading the knowledge that I might have been referred to as "just the booty call". Not like I expected any different; if I wanted to be held in higher regard I suppose I could have just said no a few times but at 1.30 AM online and the last subway is minutes away and I'm dying for a shag, it's hard to resist. But at this point the choice has been made for me, and I am currently on an X-free diet. Will I ever go back for more X? I don't really know. This could be it for him; he may have found someone to be with forever, and there may never be an option for more X for me.

Waiting in the wings are a couple of guys I have been chatting to online, one I have even already met for a bit, and as I was getting ready to meet one again (let's call him J) the horrible drama that is my family (namely my sister's decaying relationship with my mother) spilled over into my life again and my time for me to meet anyone or do anything for myself was subverted. So I had to put J off, and off again, and now I daresay we have reached the sell-by date for whatever it could have been. Just like family to fuck everything up. But all's not lost; J still wants to communicate with me. I just wonder if maybe somewhere in the last few days I just wrote him off, not through any fault of his, but just because I had no time to make for him.

I think I've gone on enough for the first entry. I am going to limit myself to only one rant a day, and try to do it every day rather than let my blog just slide into oblivion and hog space on a server somewhere like so many other dead blogs are doing right now. Cyberspace my be infinite, but that doesn't mean it needs to be cluttered recklessly.

For now, that is all.