single

So this morning when I was coming home on the subway I had one of those moments where the impossible happened; I actually recognized someone standing on the platform as the train I was in rocketed past. And as it screeched to a halt, I knew in those few seconds I had just spotted X. And X got into the next car. I took a look over my shoulder just to be sure, and yes, it was him. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me - he's not at his best in the morning. And as the train started moving again I felt absolutely nothing; no need to run away, no need to get into the next car and talk to him. Nothing. Time was I would feel all sorts, but now... nothing.

I think single in the city is something we eventually get used to and accept as the way it's going to be. All those happy notions of meeting someone and staying together just go away after a few years on the front lines. I don't know if I am still feeling all odd after seeing those two guys at Penelope on Saturday, but the whole idea of never actually sharing my life with anyone has really started to make me think. Again. I've thought about it before, so maybe it's a cycle I'm on, and I've not come up with anything terribly new, although this time my age has started to factor in. I mean, I'm 37 now. I am almost 40 and I've had just one boyfriend - one! - and that was only a year off and on. I look around and I see all these handsome younger creatures running around who have no interest in anyone older than them, and I see other guys still single over 40 and none of them really do much for me. Not that the under 25s mean a lot to me either; they're hot, yes, but they're not always as smart as they should be, despite some of them claiming to be more mature than their peers. And then I feel fat out of nowhere. Because one insecurity always begets another.

Ah well. It's not like I'm the only single guy out there. That's the massive irony of the whole thing; everyone who is single says how much they hate it, and they all sound like they want the same things, so it should be a cakewalk to find someone who shares some ideas and might want to share a future. But no. Toronto has become this city just loaded with single gay men, the majority of whom wander around day to day totally consumed with the business of "being gay", which is to say wearing certain clothes, shopping only at certain stores, going to certain bars and generally buying too much into their own hype. Me, I buy my underwear at WalMart, and there's not much hype about that.

I've not slept well today. I have to go back to work in a few hours and endure a long night plus meetings into the morning, and my stubborn cough will not go away. On the bright side, I've not spent any money. There's always a certain amount of joy to be had in a day which costs nothing.

I think I will go back to bed for an hour or so, though. A refresher is always good.

That is all.