I used to have a personal blog for a while, but I got rid of it after feeling I was spending too much time editing my thoughts out of the need to be discreet, or to protect the identities of the innocent/guilty. At the time I was also keeping a written diary but somewhere between the two I was negelecting the truth, or at least the fine details of the truth. Every attempt I made since the deletion of my old Peppersteak for the Soul blog to keep a written diary just failed, so I'm back to the blog concept in the hopes that I'll be more consistent with it, and hopefully a bit more aware of what I am putting down here.
So I shall start fresh, and call this "day one".
I've got a cold. Not a real killer of a cold; I have a bit of a tight throat, a runny nose, and my ears feel like they have water in them. But that's all so far. Yesterday to combat this I took a NyQuil shooter and collapsed on the bed for the day, coming in and out of sleep like some crackhead trying to shake off last night's party. I remember one time in the past when I took NyQuil and passed out for hours, and when I woke up I was still so stoned from it I had to crawl around on my bed looking for a way down. I'm not sure if NyQuil is the way to go today, though; I have to work tonight (I work midnights for Canada Post in Toronto) and I'm not sure I could shake off the effects in time to be okay for work. Granted I am a supervisor and everyone just assumes I don't do anything, but it's always a good idea to keep ones head clear when dealing with the goings on of what I have started referring to as "crybaby central". Honestly... unions. The bane of the workplace. Whatever happened to just getting the work done? But I digress.
To aid my comfort level today I watched a DVD of a movie called Trick. Heard of it? It was made in 1999, stars Christian Campbell as Gabriel and JP Pitoc as Mark; two hot gay dudes in New York City who hook up and spend a night trying to find some alone time to do the nasty. Somewhere in there they fall in love though. I remember when I saw this at the Carlton Cineplex all those years ago and I still felt all optimistic and cheery about boys falling in love with boys and such. I was 28 back then; I'm almost 37 now and I sometimes fear that the spark of hope I used to have about having a relationship with another man has been snuffed out by players, ex-boyfriends and the general coldness of the gay community at large who are just looking for the Next One. Granted I am not exempt from the promiscuous masses; to date I have had sex with approximately 170 men - some of it not as safe as it could have been. In that time I have contracted 2 STDs, both curable and long in my past. I really don't think my story is any different from any other sexually active gay man in Toronto, or anywhere else in the world. Still, I can only speak of my own experiences and at times when I'm lonely I feel like I am the only single gay guy out there. The reality is there are a lot of single gay guys out there, the vast majority of us still not sure what we want. I have come close to getting what I want, but for one reason or another it's not quite there for me. Do I want a boyfriend who I date and sometimes we sleep over, something that will be exclusive but not feel like ownership? Do I want a full time partner for the rest of my life, and thereby never have to meet anyone else new again, ever? Or am I better off as the perpetually single, slightly lonely kinda guy everyone wants to see with someone, but for whom there's no perfect solution?
I have a friend we will call X for our purposes here. I met X several years ago and in that time our paths have crossed on occasion, starting with a date to the movies and moving up to getting naked and nasty with each other via MSN "booty calls" late at night (usually Saturdays). So I was chatting with X the other day and was playing around, suggesting maybe we ought to hook up, and he replied with "The bf wouldn't like that,". Now this is not the first time X has been with someone since I have known him, and the pattern has held that he's with someone for a while, then he's not, so we hook up a few times, there's a silence of a few weeks and then boom he's with someone else. I think I gave up on actually aspiring to any kind of relationship outside of this little cycle where X is concerned a long time ago, but I always took comfort in the fact that he'd be back one day and I'd at least get to tear up the sheets with him some more. This last time, though, has bothered me a bit more since I thought we might have actually been getting somewhere, somewhere new. X has a friend who told me he'd like to see us together because he doesn't want X to be alone and thinks I'd be good for him. Friend said he was going to push X towards me when he spoke with him next, and now... this. I'm a bit curious as to what might have been said, although I am dreading the knowledge that I might have been referred to as "just the booty call". Not like I expected any different; if I wanted to be held in higher regard I suppose I could have just said no a few times but at 1.30 AM online and the last subway is minutes away and I'm dying for a shag, it's hard to resist. But at this point the choice has been made for me, and I am currently on an X-free diet. Will I ever go back for more X? I don't really know. This could be it for him; he may have found someone to be with forever, and there may never be an option for more X for me.
Waiting in the wings are a couple of guys I have been chatting to online, one I have even already met for a bit, and as I was getting ready to meet one again (let's call him J) the horrible drama that is my family (namely my sister's decaying relationship with my mother) spilled over into my life again and my time for me to meet anyone or do anything for myself was subverted. So I had to put J off, and off again, and now I daresay we have reached the sell-by date for whatever it could have been. Just like family to fuck everything up. But all's not lost; J still wants to communicate with me. I just wonder if maybe somewhere in the last few days I just wrote him off, not through any fault of his, but just because I had no time to make for him.
I think I've gone on enough for the first entry. I am going to limit myself to only one rant a day, and try to do it every day rather than let my blog just slide into oblivion and hog space on a server somewhere like so many other dead blogs are doing right now. Cyberspace my be infinite, but that doesn't mean it needs to be cluttered recklessly.
For now, that is all.
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